Six months ago. Six months ago my Bride laid her burden down.after 15 years of cancer, fighting with courage (she'd hate that I write that!), compassion, grace, and dignity, she decided it was time to finish her fight. She finished her fight, deciding she had nothing left to prove. I'm extremely proud of her.
Still, FUCK! The pain I'm feeling today and this week is severe. (Yes, those who know me as a Christian realize sanctification has yet to work its final work in me...military friends know I reserve profane language for particularly emotional outbursts).
I praise G-D He spared Linda the worst of her pain. I praise Jesus that His Name was on my beloved's lips at the end, reaffirming the blessed assurance that she dwells in the House of the LORD now and forever.
Linda's in a better place. Exactly six months ago I was sitting with my bride, waiting for the hospice nurse to arrive and officially pronounce her departed. Silly. Me and my children were with her at 8:23 PM (2023 as I'm more comfortable saying). At that time, we watched her breath her last. I checked her breathing and her pulse in what I still feel was a must-to-clinical manner that did not betray my intense pain and loss even in those first moments. By 2223, the official time of my Beloved's passing, she had already been rejoicing in eternal health. Her reward with the Almighty was merely two hours old. Two hours of eternity. The barest of an infinitesimal fraction of a moment. I sat with the Temple that was her earthly abode while she started her eternal joy. Angels surely celebrated this saint while I sat with what she left behind. Memories. The battered body of a warrior. The amazing children and grandchild she ushered into this world and eventually eternity. The remarkable part of her soul that will always be part of me. The remnant of Linda is greater than what most will ever be at their best.
Tonight, I sit in my courtyard smoking a cigar and drinking bourbon gifted to me from good friends who were there that evening. I bask in the love of my children and grandchild who were in the trenches last year and that night. The wailing and tears of my parents, who should never see the death of a child, echo in my ears as I remember than evening. Friends who made Linda's funeral a celebration of her spirit and ministry. The friends (not friends...family. Family and more) who made their way to be by our sides. Family and friends who were with us in those final moments in thoughts and prayer in ways they will never fully realize here on earth. I am loved by these and by HaShem, Almighty G-D. His angles minister to me even now.
Despite all the joy in my life, despite the blessings I have, I hurt tonight. I'm ripped in pieces. Love is at once the salve and the dagger. It soothes and it cuts. Love is the only thing worth a damn in this world and the only thing that can truly cut your soul in half. Linda, I miss you madly, deeply, truly. This is the last seperation we must endure. In short order, as eternity is measured, I will be with you again. I will be with you forever. We will praise Our G-D, worship at the throne of our Savior, and continue our love throughout all time. Such love cannot have an end. I love you, my Brown-eyed Girl. I have since the mountains were under the sea and will long after this world passes away.
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