Life Goes On...

Wheel in the sky keeps on turnin'
I don't know where I'll be tomorrow
Wheel in the sky keeps on turnin'
~ Journey

It's been a long time since I've been able to write. It was too soon when I tried two years ago. It was too soon when I tried again last year. I honestly have no idea if it's too soon now. So much has changed since then. Things are better, worse, and the same. My journey (I hate that word...more on that in the future) has had more incarnations than Dr. Who and more emotional turn over than ...well, lead singers for the group Journey (which I don't hate so much).

My grief has subsided and intensified, depending on your perspective.  It's subsided in that it is not the overarching theme of day to day living anymore. Had you told me this last year, I'd have laughed at you. Loudly. And probably rudely! And I might have punched you in the throat.

It's intensified in that I've transitioned from grieving the loss of My Beloved full-time to simultaneously grieving loss and rebuilding a life where I'm almost single.  Grief has gone from an 80-plus hour a week profession to a part-time fast-food job. It's irritating, doesn't pay well, and offers no benefits. The loss is no longer in a suit, shouting in its cell phone and angrily texting while driving 85 through the school zone of my sanity. It's now a pimple-faced teenager in polyester that can't get my order right despite asking me three times if I want fries with that. ("I don't want fries! Sweet Jesus, I ordered a chicken salad! Why would I want...? Never mind, kid. Just ring my up.)

I'm rebuilding my life while dealing with the ghost of my marriage and past life. My emotions and thoughts are a construction site cacophony of complicated grief and pale hope. I occasionally have flashes of insight, but more often than not I stumble in the dark; laughing, crying, sometimes both at the same time. Sometimes making that weird snorting sounding when you halfway cry then have a hiccup (man, that hurts).

Through all our travails and pain, life goes on. The wheel really keeps on turning. The trick is not letting it crush you.